Ask Scarecrow
by OutcastToReality
Summary: Step right up to ask our very own Master of Fear whatever deep, dark questions you've always secretly yearned to ask!  All questions are accepted, and all are answered personally by Dr. Jonathan Crane himself!
1. Introduction

That's right, ladies and gentlemen, step right up, step right up! For your pure fan-service enjoyment, I bring you Jonathan Crane, the very Master of Fear himself! He has yet to actually speak to me since I've kidnapped him (I think he caught wind of how I portrayed him in Dare The Dark Knight Characters… oh, and the whole kidnapping thing, too), but I will not be disheartened! You see, I went through all the trouble of breaking him out of Arkham, kidnapping him, and dragging him here with the sole purpose of offering up this Q&A for all of his greatest fans. Be aware that this is the actual, one-and-only Scarecrow we're talking about, so he won't be nearly as much of a flamboyant pushover like in DTDKC, and thus is waaaay more likely to hunt you down and kill all you love if you piss him off. Just a friendly reminder.

And with that, I bid you all to leave your questions here in the reviews, and once I can actually get dear Jonny to the keyboard without him trying to bash my head in with it, he'll be more than happy to answer them! (Well… _happy_ might be pushing it….) Ask away, my friends, and just remember that you can ask a total of ONE question per update, so choose wisely!

Wish me luck, I'll most definitely need it—

-Hailey


	2. Session One

First of all, I will make one thing _very_ clear.

I do not wish to be here.

In fact, I would wish to be_ anywhere_ but here.

Alas, I won't be here long, if not by killing that pestering woman, than at least by honoring our deal. I answer all your petty little questions, and she allows me to leave, under the pretense of "promising not to hurt her or her loved ones." We'll see about _that._

To make this as short and painless as possible, I suppose I'll just get right your oh-so-urgent queries….

**Hello Professor Crane, if you're the master of fear, can you tell me why I might be so afraid of snakes?**

Snakes, really? You couldn't be a bit more creative? Most human beings possess the instinct of self-preservation, so any animal, insect, or the individual fears situations that could pose a potential threat, though some feel this more extremely than others. Extreme cases of fear, to the point of even thinking about said object bringing discomfort, are called phobias. The actual question, without more background, I cannot answer, but phobias can be brought about by traumatic experiences involving the fear, usually in childhood. If you can recall any such situation, you have your answer. Had you been a test subject, I may have asked you what it is about snakes you so fear, but you aren't. So I really don't care.

**I saw Inception twice and spent an entire day watching Cillian Murphy film before watching Red eye on tv. Do I need help? And if so, can you please be my therapist?**

Hm. The Bitch (as I have taken to calling her, and rightfully so) has been quoting that movie for as long as I've been in her unfortunate presence. A trend, perhaps..?

No, I don't imagine that you need help for your apparent "obsession" with this Murphy character, if that's what you believe it to be. It's likely to just be a passing fascination or attraction.

And I hardly think being your therapist would be helpful, especially after Mr. Murphy's role as myself.

**Hello, Professor Crane. Like many, I'm a fan of yours and thus have a lot of questions. But I'll narrow it down to one...for now.**

**Crane, you're a very asexual character, yet you are paired off with many (other characters and mary sues).**

**So, here's my question: How do you feel about all of these pairings with you. Especially, the male ones. ~_~; Ya know...Jervis, Eddie ,Joker...hell, even the BAT!**

I find the entire premise ridiculous. I have never met another human being even on the same intellectual standing as I, let alone ever felt any attraction toward someone else. Theories of male romance are, if possible, even more bizarre. Jervis is closer to a bewildered puppy than a man, the Riddler is obnoxiously childish, and I shouldn't even have to explain the Joker, the overdramatic attention-seeker that he is. As for the Batman, dear god woman, WHERE do these ideas come from? I would sooner stab him to death than fake a smile at him. My work is my only passion, and will be for all the foreseeable future.

**my question is what happened to you that made you turn into scarecrow?**

So this question was as inevitable as I expected. If you _must_ know (which, really, you don't, but I haven't much choice in the matter), nothing "made me turn into" anything. I was not 'transformed' into the Scarecrow by some clichéd pivotal moment. Though you could say I made a… debut of sorts, senior year of high school. As for why I _chose_ to become the Scarecrow, I am simply fascinated by the power the fear holds over all. I suppose this stemmed from a severely abusive childhood, or so the oafs as Arkham try to convince me.

**Dear Jonathan Crane,**

**I get really scared around new people, and sometimes I don't even want to go to social events because I'm too scared I'll embarrass myself. Am I just really shy, or do i have an anxiety problem?**

If your fear is intense enough to avoid public places purely out of apprehension, you may have agoraphobia. If you do indeed have agoraphobia, you may notice that especially open and crowded places frighten you more, as you subconsciously realize there are very few places to hide, or that the situation is too big to have control over. However, this phobia tends to be partnered with panic disorder and attacks, so if your feelings are more of self-conscious embarrassment rather than adrenaline rushed panic, I would guess you're simply shy, albeit more extremely than most.

**would you ever like, not like like, friend like, a kid that is like ten years younger then you?**

I assume you are attempting to subtly refer to yourself? As a general rule, I don't "like" anybody, romantically or platonically, regardless of age. I consider relationships of any kind unnecessary and bothersome.

I congratulate you all on utterly wasting my time. I now hand over the keyboard to The Bitch.

"Hand over" isn't exactly the word I'd use, as the bruises on my arm can see! Oh well, I'd say the first session went pretty well, not a single causality yet! Let's hope it stays that way, eh? :D

I'll (hopefully) see you all again next session, and happy questioning 'til then!

"The Bitch",

-Hailey ^_^


	3. Session Two

Well. It appears I have the unfortunate duty of responding to your mindless curiosities again. Let's get on with it.

* * *

**No, I was not reffering to myself, more to a very idiotic friend who is quite**

**obsessed. Anyhow, how would you classify your facination with fear? And do you**

**believe you are insane, or simply misunderstood because of you *cough***

**"inhumane" experimentation?**

I am "insane" simply by society's standards. What they fail to see is that I am not mentally unstable, I am just willing and able to push the boundaries of the psyche farther than any of those cowards could ever dream. So-called "crazy" or not, did I not still make major breakthroughs in my research? I won't deny that my methods would be considered inhumane by most, but if one were even to glance at history, one would see that every story of greatness is built upon some necessary bloodshed. Mine is no different. And "classifying" my fascination for terror would infer it was a disorder, which it is not. It is simply a passion.

* * *

**Pfft, was going to pay well but fine.**

**Anyway, want to ask, you really don't like humans much, which is**

**understandable (and very for my crime of pairing you up with an OC in my**

**character, please don't kill me). But my question is, do you prefer animals**

**instead? I've never known you "test" on animals**

**(unlike a certain bastard in a fancy dress halloween costume who will go**

**unnamed who tested on a rat in fear of victory)**

**Thouhj if you do, whats your favourite animal?**

**Be nice to me or I'll make you kiss Joker in my next chapter lol**

The main reason for my not animal testing is I find it a useless, boring step when I could simply skip straight to human experimentation. Due to my lack of cowardice in testing on people (as explained in the answer of the first question), I really don't care if the prototype toxin fails or not. They're as good as dead anyway.

As for animals, I'm sure you would find no surprise in my saying I've always felt an apprehensive respect for the crow. They strike dread and foreboding in almost every culture worldwide just with their presence, which I admire, but for personal reasons I've always been a bit wary around them.

* * *

**hello mr crane**

**i was jsut wondering have you ever been in love with anyone.**

Certainly not. In my younger, naive days I may have mistaken rampaging hormones for something akin to "love", but from the moment that ended I've never fallen to such weaknesses again. "Love", along with any other emotion toward other people resembling attachment, is useless to my work.

* * *

**Dear Dr. Crane,**

**I have two questions for you:**

**1) Do you like any of the other Rogues in Gotham? Not romantically, of course,**

**but in the manner of friendship? Like, say, Harleen Quinzel or Eddie Nygma or**

**Jervis Tetch?**

**2) Did you like how they portrayed you in the videogame Batman: Arkham Asylum?**

**Not Yours Truly,**

**Boom-You're-Dead**

According to The Bitch I'm not allowed to answer two questions per session, so I'm afraid I'm only going to answer the first. You can always submit the second next (oh, god forbid the _next_) session.

I've never been inclined to make "friends" with any of my colleagues in crime, as I've inferred previously. I am, however, more likely to temporarily work with some than others. All those whom you listed would probably be considered primarily for brief alliances, with a hesitation on Ms. Quinzel. The Joker is known to get protective over his property.

* * *

**Professor Crane if you some how got a son or daughter, what would you name**

**them and would you want them to follow in your footsteps?**

Hm. I was told to expect questions of possible children to arise sometime (The Bitch simply states something called "Fangirls", and shudders overdramatically), but I didn't anticipate a query pertaining to names. I suppose, if I ever was forced to name children (I refuse to acknowledge the possibility of them being my own), I would name it Ichabod, for the sake of twisted irony.

Now, it following in my footsteps is an entirely different issue. I would certainly approve of any child dedicating their lives to ruining the Bat, but they should do so with their own premise. Mimicking the Scarecrow to make a name for his or herself would just be insulting.

* * *

**Hey Dr. Crane! Haven't seen ya in a while, but guess you've been busy.**

**Kidnapping being what it...**

**...actually, how the hell DID ya manage that one Jonny? Seems like I've been**

**hearing about you landin' in some mess or other every third week. Thought**

**you'd start avoiding alleys by now, ya poor sap. ;) Would offer to help, but**

**it sounds like the girl's just having a ball and this whole internet business**

**might do you a bit of good.**

**There is some scary stuff out here, Jonathan. 3**

**Anyway, figure from one ex-psych to another might as well try shootin' a few**

**questions your way. First, have ya ever tried gassing a bunch of insects?**

**Moth's last arrest got me wonderin' if they'd react like a swarm or**

**individually, then one of the goons mentioned how their nervous system is set**

**up all differently. Figured I'd ask in person given your schtick, but...yeah.**

**Kidnapping.**

**Second, I remember hearing you going on a while back about the effects of**

**different stimuli and yadda yadda. Does it make a difference if a subject's**

**gettin' exposed to positive, negative, or neutral stuff under the toxin? I**

**mean like their reactions.**

**Um, hm...otherwise really just wanted to ask if you're doing alright. Are you?**

**I'll try to getcha some cookies or something next time we meet up. Let me know**

**if you've got a preference. :)**

*****Harley**

Hello, Miss Quinzel. I suppose it's true that I seem to have gotten in more than my share of pinches over the years... but thus is the life of one of Gotham's most feared criminals, as you would know.

Oh, she is having more than a "ball", as you put it. The Bitch won't leave me alone. Always asking how I am, wanting to talk about my feelings, trying to force me to eat sandwiches! Yes, _sandwiches_, Harleen. I still suspect she's laced them with something. I would press for assistance from you, (If I needed it, which I do not. The Master of Fear can handle a mere _girl_) but... The Joker never has taken kindly to people encroaching on his "property."

Hm, that's a peculiar thought. As I've mentioned in the last 'session', I find experimenting on anything less than humans to be a waste of time, but I suppose I can theorize. If we were referring to a colony-based group of insects (for instance, honeybees, rather than pill bugs, which are generally independent), they would react as a mass, seeing as that has been their evolutionary survival tactic for generations. The insect mind is much too primitive to understand anything but hunger, fatigue, reproduction, and danger. Fear would revert back to simply 'danger', which is where terror developed from in our more advanced minds, so instead of fleeing, insects would most likely attack. Another reason not to experiment on them.

Unfortunately (frankly, not all that unfortunately, you must forgive me for not being very enthusiastic about all this), I'm only "allowed" to answer one question per person for each session. You may ask next session though, if you must.

And as much as I appreciate your concern (again, to be honest, I don't. I can take care of myself, Harleen), you are aware I have an aversion to accepting gifts from others, especially food.

* * *

**First, I'd like to thank you for answering my question the last time (the**

**couple one). I now have a new one for you: what exactly is your "relationship"**

**with the Scarecrow? Is he a different entity entirely, an alternate version of**

**you, a state of mind, etc.? Oh, and I'd appreciate it if you didn't snap at**

**me.**

You're not welcome. But your question is at least moderately interesting. Apparently, I've been portrayed a variety of ways, even schizophrenic in the sense that the Scarecrow and I are entirely different people (which, mind anyone who cares to pay attention, is incorrect. Symptoms of schizophrenia does not include fully-formed alternate personalities, especially ones capable of "taking over" the host).

The Scarecrow and I are one and the same. I created the persona, and it is solely I behind the mask, though I will admit there is a particular state of mind I associate with wearing the mask.

My "agreement" with The Bitch doesn't say anything about being nice.

* * *

**Jonathan, is that REALLY you! Oh, just look at the mess you've gotten yourself**

**into again, whut. I swear Jonathan I was wondering where you were, even dear**

**Harley was worried. Well, it's frabjous to here that you are alright! We**

**should get together for tea sometime, shall we?**

**Sincerely Yours,**

**Jervis Tetch**

Yes, Jervis, by some unholy curse, it is I. Your and Miss Quinzel's concerns are unnecessary, I believe I've gotten myself out of worse situations than a girl with an unhealthy compulsive hugging habit. Tea would be wonderful; the only tea here is iced from a plastic bottle. Tea _indeed_.

* * *

**Boxers or briefs?**

I _refuse_ to answer this question. No threat will ever pull me so low as to-...

…The Bitch just threatened to disrobe me to find out for herself if I rejected this question. I wear briefs. There. I hope you're satisfied. Now may my clothing _please _remain on my body.

* * *

**Hello Professor Crane, my question is what to this point has been the best day**

**of your life?**

Frankly, I don't _do_ "happy". So the notion of a 'best day ever' will no doubt seem very different in your eyes than in mine. I suppose any day I manage to drive the Bat a little closer to the edge is a good day.

* * *

**Why do fangirls like you so damn much? I mean, you're a damn creeper! What's**

**so appealing about you that makes these fangirls drool all over the pavement?**

I can honestly say I haven't the slightest idea, and if anyone does, I implore you to tell me so I can _stop it immediately_. Believe me, I like it no more than you do. Much less, in fact. Though I do have to point out that I'm not, as you call it, a "creeper", and you have no grounds for that accusation.

* * *

Now, all of you please die and never return to this ever again. I hand the keyboard over to The Bitch.

Hi guys, Hailey here, and miraculously still alive! :D It's taken surprisingly long to get this out, I had been hoping for a two-week schedule, but then again, I guess I should consider myself lucky to even be talking after the spork fiasco... (It was just a plastic spork, how much damage could I have expected it to cause?) Well, dahlings, I look forward to seeing your questions, and I'm sure Jonsy does too! :3

…And now he's seething long strings of detailed plans to murder me again. Darn.

Review! :D


	4. Session Three

**EDIT: Due to some problems with (if by "problems" you mean me breaking the rules by even posting this here in the first place), I've moved Ask Scarecrow to LiveJournal. I'll have the first two sessions posted there just in case they get deleted on FF. I hope the move won't drive too many of you away; I really adore your questions! (Scarey does too… he just won't admit it. Or he truly does hate your guts. Probably the latter.) Remember, you can comment on LJ anonymously if you don't have an account! It's here (without the spaces): http:/ scary-sessions . livejournal . com/**

**

* * *

**

In the name of all that is holy, I cannot believe I find myself sitting at this desk again. I refuse to encourage you twats by wasting my time on an introduction.

* * *

**Yeesh, I really do talk a lot. :) Sorry Jonny! I'll see if I can keep it a little shorter this time so ya can enjoy whatever sandwich you're on at the moment. Worse things than that out there muffin, 'specially since you're kind of a stick. :P**

**Huh, your explanation on the bugs really does make a ton of sense though. Know you've sorta got no choice, but thanks for explaining anyway! I'd hug ya, but internet's no go for that so guess I'll just make it up to you later. ;) Keepin' my science-y question from last time, but if ya haven't escaped yet I might have to come up with somethin' nice and personal for the next go around.**

**And Mr. J's really not so possessive as you'd think Spooky-he even told me the whole thing was hilarious! Um...actually, it probably would be better if ya just handled this one yourself. Everybody knows I've got moxy, but might not look so good if you got rescued from a girl by aProxy-Connection: keep-alive Cache-Control: max-age=0 irl. If ya know what I mean. I'm sure you can manage, Dr. C! XD I'll be countin' the days 'til you're back at the Iceberg. Maybe Ozzy'll even open up bets!**

**Yuck, still left ya an essay when I said I wouldn't. Talk to ya soon, Jonathan! Don't give yourself a migraine!**

*****Harley**

**P.S. To the girl holdin' dear Dr. Crane hostage, ya might win some points with cake. Think Hat mentioned he likes it. :3**

Physical contact is unnecessary, Ms. Quinzel. I'd appreciate you remembering that the next time we meet, not that it's stopped you much before. As for your question in the previous so-called "session", I have indeed put my subjects in positive and negative situations at different stages in their downward spiral. Starting off with a negative situation/stimuli generally led the subject into screams quicker, but it often stayed on a more hysterical level than a deep-seated, permanent terror without the help of a full level of toxin. Positive situations before exposure, however, had surprisingly delightful results. The sudden contrast from feeling of safety (perhaps comfort from a loved one, or a setting similar to a childhood scene) to terror most often gave the subject a sensation of having that positive influence ripped from them, and had much harsher, permanent psychological damage. Unfortunately, I've only went into this deeply a few times, as it takes a little research of the subject to find the right situation, and I normally can't be bothered.

As I said before, I'm sure I can handle The Bitch. I'm just waiting for her to slip up… everyone does eventually. And why would Oswald be placing bets? Surely not that many know about my current situation? I have the sinking feeling this is going to take quite a while to live down.

The Bitch thanks you for the suggestion. I scold you for encouraging her baking antics.

* * *

**Tut tut, I would think that you would be intelligent enough to avoid these particular situations by now. After all, you are one of the few people I would say are even close to my genius level of intelligence. This just shows that my intelligence is much more superior. I do hope you are enjoying your time there... now hurry up and escape! Tetch and Harley are getting quite annoying! "I hope Jonny's alright!" "I do miss the March Hare!" It is driving me insane! Do whatever it takes, JUST GET OUT! *ahem* Now, my question: I am always watching when someone tells me to though I am not alive. I am not always wanted but sometimes am and stand the test of time. What am I?**

Ugh, so my suspicions that Ms. Quinzel and Tetch are spreading the word are confirmed. Peachy. No, Edward, I think I plan on staying in God Knows Where for a few more weeks to chat over tea and discuss my life story. Of course I plan on getting out! I find the fact that you feel the need to remind me insulting! I would rather cut off my right arm than spend another second under the constant bombardment of Her insistent questioning.

As for your petty riddle, it is obviously a camera. "Stand the test of time" gave it away immediately.

* * *

**Insanity is quite the fluctuating concept isn't it? In the Aztec empire, sacrifices to the "gods" were the social norm, but today... well... I think you know the result of that. And in ancient times, if you heard voices, you were probably revered as a messenger of god while today, it's the loony bin for ya'. The concepts of normal and abnormal simply adapt and change as society itself changes. Well, as they say, "The only thing constant in life is change." Anyhow, sorry about that little rant. I personally admire the Gotham Rogues, they have the guts to stand against the norm to achieve great things... now if only you guys didn't kill people... *ahem* Once again, I apologize for my rather... distracted manner. I simply feel quite philosophical today. Wait, excuse me for a second. *turns away from keyboard* "I told you he wasn't schizophrenic. It's like you with your stuffed animals, it's a psychological thing!" *returns to keyboard* Sorry, that was my friend being quite disappointed on the fact that you aren't actually a nice guy with the tragic issue of having another personality that hinders your ability to gain acceptance in society. You gotta love fan girls, they should get their own category of insanity, they way they drool over... *shudders*. I do not understand the point of hero or celebrity worship, in the end, they are only human. I understand admiration but worship? That's just too much. And once again, I have gone off on some random topic. Oh, and a possible answer to the reason why you are so "drooled" over. Cillian Murphey's portrayal of you gave them a "hot" portrayal of you which publicized you. Then, the multiple personality thing, they might see you as a sympathetic character, a victim of your own mind. That and the whole thing of girls being attracted to "bad boys". This from the viewpoint of a fellow member of the female persuasion... so I think these might be some of the few base reasons. I do hope that this made sense. Now FINALLY, to my question: What is a true psychology class like?**

**PS: Crows are actually revered in some cultures. Like, there was this one legend where crows were once white, and yadda yadda yadda.**

**PSS: Hailey dear, you should know that ANYTHING can be used as a weapon. The effectiveness differs, but believe me, if you can imagine it, you can probably do it.**

Judging by the way The Bitch just went slack-jawed at the mention of this Murphy, I would assume you are right. So, under this line of thinking, his "tragic murder" at the hands of the very man he impersonated should clear this right up? I do hope so; the mockery I receive about my "fanbase" from my so-called colleagues is quite annoying, let alone the "fans" themselves, though I've had the miraculous luck of avoiding meeting any until recently. I do believe someone should tell these girls that lusting after killers is not at all healthy.

A true psychology class (meaning one not taught under myself), would cover all the basics of the field, assuming it is an introductory class. The professor would most likely cover developmental, biological, cognitive, social, experimental, and clinical psychology, as well as a few others as the instructor sees fit. There would be long lectures on each subject, followed by tests, midterms, and finals along the way. Quite dull, if I do say so myself. I always preferred a more "hands on" approach to studying the secrets of the mind.

And I believe I am familiar with at least one of the myths you speak of. Apollo turned the raven black for being the bearer of bad news, no?

* * *

**Hey there, Crane. =D Here is my question. What would you have done if you ever succeded in defeating the Bat (by death or insanity)? Drive Gotham insane, or would you have just continued in your research?**

Ah, I will admit to daydreaming of the day I finally bring to the surface the Batman's true insanity, and watch Gotham crumble as he does. Yes, I do believe a mass distribution of my toxin would be in order, though it would be against my best interests to destroy every civilian mind. Fellow rogues would still want in on the fun, and I'd hardly want to face their wrath should I ruin it by leaving no one to play with. Of course my research would continue, and much more freely as well.

* * *

**You say that you have never been in love...really? Because I recall in high school you had a crush on Sherry Squires, then you tried to make a college student name Becky Albright into your "Mistress of Fear", and lastly you developed a friendship with a woman name Linda whatever-the-hell-her-last-name-is until she betrayed you and turned you into the Scarebeast.**

**You say you don't reach out to anyone, but explain all those women. Not a question, I know, but I'm really interested to hear your answer.**

Like I previous said, I, as every teenager, confused raging hormones for some vague feeling of "love". Miss Squires was vapid and self-centered, Ms. Albright was a disappointment, and Dr. Friitawa was a bitch (even more so than The Bitch). One of them might have had potential to be used in the future, but that was lost, and I refuse to believe I "loved" any of them. You waste my time with your insinuations.

* * *

**Dear ,**

**I heard that you once tried to gas the Joker, and it didn't go too do you think your Fear Gas didn't work on the Joker? And if it did work, what would be the Jokers' greatest fear, in your opinion?**

**The Joker is clearly a very unique case. The fact that he's already insane beyond anything I have ever seen could have been a factor. Or it could be that he had already become what his previous, sane self had most feared, and therefore had nothing left to be afraid of. Whatever the reason may be, I have no intention of going for round two and risking the consequences. There is still much else to study in my underappreciated field.**

**As for the Joker's greatest fear, I will have to grudgingly admit I haven't the slightest clue. Perhaps normality, a feeling of just being another in the crowd? His ostentatious urges would certainly attest to that.**

**nawww bless you hugs...alright, know you hate being touched, but suck it up or watch a Disney film :P**

**Have you ever seen silence of the lambs or read the Thomas Harris series? Because you claim you've taken up the mantle of the scarecrow but jaysus, I watch Hannibal Lecter and the similarities are striking!**

**Would say don't eat me, but hey, I'm a fangirl so that threat doesn't have much fear for me :P**

**I have never seen or read the series; I've never been much for fiction, though there are a few classics. The Bitch is now scrambling around the room looking for her non-blood stained jacket to run down to the move rental, though, so I hope you're happy. Then again, maybe having her out of the house isn't such a bad thing….**

**Damn it all, she's nailed the desk to the floor since my last attempt. Foiled.**

**Did you know that Batman is really Bruce Wayne?**

**Bruce Wayne, the playboy billionaire? Of all the ridiculous names to throw at me, Bruce Wayne? Please, he couldn't fight off a petty purse snatcher.**

**Dear Johnny,**

**What are your thoughts about Pamella Isley? Romanticaly, generally, ect, ect...**

**Love,**

**Wulfie**

**P.S. I was very upset when you got killed (Er, eaten..) in the Arkham Asylum game. ;_;**

I suppose I vaguely respect Ms. Isley for her tenacity, though she is entirely too fanatical. I would perhaps find her a little less bothersome if she would just let me occasionally borrow the pollen of her "precious babies", instead of throwing a fit every time I'm forced to take a little. Nevertheless, I find her more bearable than most of the other rogues. I have no romantic interest in her, nor do I feel one coming on any time in the future.

Why, in every adaptation that involves my appearance, do I end up killed or insane? The producers of these games/movies/shows need to wake up from their idealistic utopia and realize that, more often than not, the "bad guys" tend to win.

…Out of curiosity. How exactly was I eaten?

* * *

**Well, at least you're alright, cricket! I await our little party as soon as you get out of there. One question: What kind of tea would you like? I got all kinds, ranging from traditional to exotic. Oh, I do remember how you take your tea; lemon with half of the sugar bowl! I must say, Jonathan, you have to lighten up on the sweets...they'll give you nightmares! Hahahaha!**

**Well, good look luck and may we meet again!**

**Truly yours,**

**Jervis Tetch**

**PS**

**What do you mean you don't have friends, you Jabberwocky!**

What with the weak excuse for tea The Bitch has been trying to serve me (would you believe she tried to give me warmed Snapple the other day? Snapple!), some simple black tea would do wonders. Nightmares. Hah.

I apologize if I offended you by not calling you a friend, Jervis, but assuming friendship relies upon complete trust in the other, friendship is hard to come by in our profession. I suppose, if I absolutely had to choose, you would be the closest thing to a friend I have. Repeat this to no one, I have a reputation to keep.

* * *

**Hiya, Dr. Crane! Or should I call you Scarecrow? Ah, oh well...**

**I am writing this in the rain! Really, there's a rainbow out. Oh, now I remember what I was... Nope. Why am I typing this again?**

**When you were a kid (like me) did you have a pet? Like a puppy? I know you aren't a very sentimental guy but I love animals.**

**And hey, animals aren't unintelligent! My dog can understand every word I say!**

**As you can see, I like to argue. But please explain this question ^^ to me!**

**Oh, and don't you have manners? Calling a LADY a BITCH is not very nice!**

**With All Sincereity, LuvIsAThing (or Brandy)**

**x]**

No, I never had a pet, at least one that survived very long. I can recollect one or two instances when I brought home a small animal as a child, but my grandmother was never fond of animals, and I'm sure the rest can be inferred. Later on, if I ever brought an animal home it was to kill myself.

Manners shouldn't be wasted on a woman who has me handcuffed to a chair, thank you very much.

* * *

**Oh Oh Oh i have a question ... HAHAHAHAHAHAHA YOU"RE SCARED OF BATS SIR WERE EVER YOU ARE THERE IS PROBLY ALOT OF BATS! p.s. I LOVE YOU ;)**

You have a very strange tactic for getting a man to like you, if that's what you're attempting. Regardless, t's not working. And I don't detect a question. However, I can assure you there are no bats.

* * *

**My esteemed Professor Crane, (esteemed even if I can only ask you this question when you are restrained,)**

**Given an opportunity to teach a class again, in any manner you chose, what exercises and readings might you assign to potential students, and what would your goals for the class be? Let us say, for the sake of this hypothetical situation, that you could hand-pick your students so as to eliminate those who would be unworthy of your tutelage. (Which I recognize might be everyone, but you DID choose to become a Professor rather than stick to research alone, so I assume you had SOME interest in teaching? Even if some or all of the students might end up dead.)**

**Thank you for your time, even if it is given against your will. (One can at least strive for a modicum of dignity in these situations through adherence to a manners, yes?)**

Hm, a semi-interesting question, at least. I suppose my main goal for the class would be to shed light on how underappreciated the field of fear is. There is so very much to be discovered, if only psychology hopefuls would clear away their dreams of "curing" the world of all its mental disorders in a single swoop of their oh-so-brilliant hand. As the case may be, the odds of finding even one student worthy of my tutelage are next to none. If I ever did, he or she would have to be very similar to myself, which would hardly be reassuring considering I detested most of my own professors.

* * *

**Would you ever partnering with Bane, Poison Ivy, or Black Mask? Between the 3 of them, they would probably know a good deal of various kinds of chemicals- be it steroids, drugs, or organic hallucinogens-that could help you in your research.**

As I said earlier in this session, I would find Ms. Isley much more bearable if she would be less protective over her "leafy children." Access to the pollen she breeds without breaking and entering would be helpful. As for Bane or Black Mask, I really have nothing to gain from them. Black Mask is an overemotional rich boy unable to come to terms with his failures, and Bane is little more than a recovering drug addict. All three would rat me out without a second's thought, so none of the above, preferably.

* * *

**Dear professor Crane**

**through out my child hood big dogs have jumped on me,**

**bitten me, and literaly ran me over, and i'm not afraid of them**

**in the lest. However i am terrified by chiwawas that have done**

**nothing to me other than bark. How is that possible?**

Strange, but not unheard of. Perhaps you don't fear them because you know the extent of the damage they can deal. Half of fear is not knowing how bad it will be. Though I have never wasted my time on it, supposedly it is similar to falling for the first time while roller-skating. One may be hesitant and afraid to fall at first, but after falling, one realizes it isn't that terrible. As for small animals, they tend to act quite loud and brave, correct? Maybe it is more of that abrasive personality you fear, seeing as larger dogs have nothing to prove and can be more quiet by nature. If you are a shy person, this could very well be it.

* * *

I sincerely hope you all are suddenly possessed by the irrational urge to throw yourselves off cliffs. Should this miraculously happen, please feel free to do so.

Thank you all for sticking with me, even though it's so long between updates! I gotta take baby steps with ol' Spooky, am I right? He really does have a way of grating on my nerves, but I'm sure the feeling is mutual, so no matter! Again, I hope you guys manage to stick with this even though I've switched him to a different site. Remember, you can comment on LJ anonymously if you don't have an account! Just go right on over here (without spaces, again): **http:/ scary-sessions . livejournal . com/**

Thanks for bearing with me-

-Hailey


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